My Emotional Tale of Unexplained Infertility

I remember playing with dolls as a little girl and feeling excited about having a real baby when I got older. Even at a young age, I wanted to be a mom. I loved my mom so much, and I wanted to love a child as she loved us. So, that was my plan, when it was time, I would get pregnant and have a baby. Done. Of course, I had no clue I would later experience a journey of unexplained infertility, nor did I even have a clue there was such a thing. But I went through it, and I hope my story helps you in yours.

I got married when I was a month and a half away from 21-pretty young, but I knew what I was doing (I thought). I didn’t want to rush and have children right away; I wanted to have a house, have stability, etc., before we brought children into our lives. So we worked on that for three years. We established our lives. We both had great jobs, bought a house, two vehicles, you know, everything you need for a “stable” home, that’s what we did. Then, in our 3rd year of marriage, I stopped birth control, and we went about our lives. 

Unexplained Infertility…

One day I started thinking, “Hmm…does it normally take this long to get pregnant?” I was six months off birth control and nothing–Fertility doctor, here we come. I’m a very impatient person and six months was too long already. They ran every test under the sun on both of us-all of which came out perfect or better. Confusion sat in on the doctors and us. Why weren’t we getting pregnant? Finally, the doctor diagnosed us with “Unexplained Infertility.” That was very hard for me because it didn’t explain anything. I wanted a reason I wasn’t getting pregnant, something that could be fixed. And I doubted that there was such a thing-“Unexplained Infertility”? That sounded made up to me.

Everyone is pregnant but me…

Adding gasoline to the fire, I started realizing that every person in and out of my circle was getting pregnant; I’m talking from my furthest friend to my closest friend, coworkers, acquaintances, and family members. Every time I got the news that someone was pregnant, it stung. Outwardly, I was happy for them because I knew the joy they must be feeling, but on the inside, it was devastating. “Why can everyone get pregnant but me?” I would cry and cry, and my heart ached; it became so painful that my own sister didn’t want to tell me she was pregnant because she knew how it affected me. I remember feeling numb when she told me, like the blood drained out of my body, and I cried. I felt terrible for reacting that way, but that initial feeling was something I couldn’t control (those feelings changed immediately as I was thrilled my precious sister was pregnant and my nieces became my life for the next several years).

And, when “my time of the month” came around, another round of devastation came with it. If you’ve dealt with infertility, you know exactly what I’m talking about.   

The emotions are ever changing…

The doctor wanted to start with a procedure called IUI-Intrauterine Insemination (A fertility treatment that involves placing sperm inside a woman’s uterus to facilitate fertilization. The goal of IUI is to increase the number of sperm that reach the fallopian tubes and subsequently increase the chance of fertilization.)

Before the procedure, I had to take medications, including shots in my abdomen; these were ovulation-stimulating medications. Everything worked as the doctors planned; my eggs grew and there were plenty of them, the sperm was better than they could hope for, the timing was on point, etc. It felt like the only outcome could be pregnancy. If everything is right, what could go wrong?

So, as you can imagine, after the procedure came an immense amount of excitement and hope, “they did everything for us, all the steps-I have to be pregnant!” I immediately started thinking about signs and symptoms: I’m craving weird things, I feel crampy, my breasts are tender, I’m so tired, and so on; these are symptoms, and I have all of them! “Please God, let me be pregnant!”.

For the next couple of years, this was my life—4 IUI’s, all unsuccessful, not consecutively, but close. I rested my body between the procedures, but it felt like wasted time to me anytime we didn’t do one. I’d never wanted anything more. 

It consumed me…

We would try for a little over three years in total, visiting the fertility clinic off and on to no avail. Truthfully, it didn’t get easier. It was never out of my mind. I remember the doctor telling us to “stop trying,” “stress can affect fertility.” But, I didn’t know how to get it out of my mind; I was consumed with having a baby. So after lots of opinions and lots of long discussions, we decided we would try IVF (In Vitro Fertilization). And so, the planning began; it took many moving parts to put IVF into motion, and it was taking time, but I just knew a baby was in my near future. Little did I know, my journey with unexplained infertility was almost over. But it wasn’t ending with a child.

Devastation…

The desire to have a baby would leave as fast as it came; after three-plus years of trying to get pregnant and a little over six years of marriage, I tragically lost my husband.     

Everything stopped. My world turned upside down. After that, I never desired a baby again. 

It’s supposed to be a natural part of life…

Infertility is something you can’t prepare for and don’t expect to happen. As human beings, we naturally expect to be able to have children. For some people, it happens like it’s supposed to; for others, it can be challenging. The emotions that come with it can seem unbearable at times; I remember the heartache to this day. When dealing with infertility, I always said, “I wouldn’t wish this pain on anybody.” It’s a rollercoaster of emotions, up and down, every month. It can feel incredibly isolating and lonely.

Although my journey with unexplained infertility didn’t end with a child, I’m happy with my life today, and I made it through the ugly “infertility journey” even though I didn’t think I would. My hope in sharing my story is to let others know that you are not alone, and even though I don’t know you, I’m praying for you. So if you’re in this season, I want you to know that you will make it through this, it doesn’t feel like it sometimes, but you will.

Keep moving forward-God always carries us through when it feels like we can’t take another step.

Be Blessed!

xo